DONT RE-ELECT ANY POLITICIAN

14 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME MORE THAN 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the  same night. 

2. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 

3. You should  not confuse your career with your life. 

4. Nobody cares if you can't  dance well.  Just get up and dance

5. Never lick a steak knife.

6. The most destructive force in the  universe is gossip

7. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason  why we observe daylight  savings time

8. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an  actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 

9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big  deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 

10. The  one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,  economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL  believe that we are above-average drivers. 

11. A  person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This  is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 

12. Your  friends love you anyway. 

13. Never be afraid to try something new.  Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals  built the Titanic. 

14. Men are like fine wine.  They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of  them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.